Good morning.

It’s Wednesday, May 13.

Today we celebrate the birthday of Stevie Wonder — the man who gave us “I Just Called to Say I Love You,” proved talent beats literally everything, and somehow made being blind from birth look less limiting than most people’s Wi-Fi connection and calendar discipline.

May, meanwhile, is entering its dangerous phase. One sunny day and suddenly everyone thinks they’re going to become a new person. People are drinking iced matcha, opening Notion templates, booking Pilates classes, talking about “summer routines.” Relax. It’s still allergy season and your group chat is still ignoring each other.

Thanks for being here, thanks for reading, and especially thanks for all the feedback. This little internet newspaper survives on caffeine, Wi-Fi, and your messages.

Have a great read.

Today’s stories:

Stocks slipped Tuesday as hotter-than-expected inflation data and rising oil prices weighed on markets, while tech stocks lost momentum after last week’s massive rally.

The S&P 500 fell 0.16%, while the Nasdaq dropped 0.71%. The Dow managed to stay slightly positive, up 56 points, or 0.11%.

Chip giant Micron — which helped push markets to record highs on Monday — reversed sharply, falling more than 4%. The stock had surged 37% last week and over 50% in the past month as the AI memory-chip frenzy kept accelerating.

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Swatch just announced a collaboration with Audemars Piguet, proving once again that adults will absolutely line up outside stores at 6am for tiny expensive wrist objects. After turning the Omega Speedmaster and Blancpain Fifty Fathoms into affordable hype machines, Swatch is now taking on AP’s iconic Royal Oak, except this version may actually be a pocket watch. Because apparently the watch industry looked at 2026 and decided what people really wanted was 19th-century accessorizing with modern resale value. There are still no official images yet, although the internet is already flooded with AI renderings made by people who haven’t seen the watch either but still somehow speak with full confidence. The first “Royal Pop” drop lands this Saturday at select Swatch stores, in person only, meaning grown adults are once again preparing to stand in long lines just for the opportunity to maybe spend $300 to $500.

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Wall Street keeps replacing humans. Anthropic is rolling out a new batch of AI agents for Wall Street, because apparently even finance bros have decided they’re tired of making pitch decks at 2am while eating Sweetgreen at their desks. The company unveiled 10 AI tools designed to handle the most soul-crushing parts of banking jobs, including building financial models, preparing for meetings, summarizing research, and creating pitchbooks. In other words, the exact work thousands of junior analysts were emotionally destroyed over for decades. Big banks like JPMorgan Chase, Goldman Sachs, and Morgan Stanley are already flooding their offices with internal AI assistants, because nothing says “innovation” like finding new ways to avoid hiring more humans. Meanwhile startups like Rogo and Hebbia are also racing to automate finance work, turning Wall Street into one giant competition between expensive software subscriptions.

Tiny “grandma watches” are suddenly cool again. Luxury watch brands are shrinking their watches again after spending 20 years convincing everyone they needed a dinner plate strapped to their wrist. Smaller “grandma watches” are suddenly booming, especially among younger women who want vintage-looking pieces that stack nicely with bracelets and don’t scream “crypto conference attendee.” Celebrities like Timothée Chalamet, Bad Bunny, Serena Williams, and Hailey Bieber have all been spotted wearing tiny watches from brands like Cartier, Rolex, and Audemars Piguet, helping turn sub-34mm watches into one of luxury’s hottest trends. The appeal is simple: they’re elegant, easier to style, less flashy, and often cheaper on the resale market. Translation: people are finally realizing you can look rich without wearing a watch the size of an air fryer. Many younger buyers are even hunting vintage pieces at thrift stores or stealing them from grandma’s jewelry box, proving once again that fashion trends are basically just rich people rediscovering old things every 20 years.

TikTok wants to book your vacation now too. TikTok just launched TikTok GO, a new feature that lets users discover and book hotels, attractions, and travel experiences directly inside the app, because apparently opening a separate browser tab is now considered too physically exhausting. The feature partners with companies like Booking.com, Expedia, and Trip.com to turn viral travel videos into instant bookings, meaning your “just scrolling for five minutes” session can now somehow end with a $10,000 trip to Italy. Creators will also be able to earn commissions from bookings tied to their content, which means every aesthetically pleasing beach video is about to become even more aggressively monetized. The bigger picture here is simple: TikTok doesn’t just want to entertain you anymore. It wants to become your search engine, shopping mall, travel agent, and probably eventually your therapist too. The move also pushes TikTok deeper into competition with Google, since more people are already using TikTok instead of Search or Maps to figure out where to eat, travel, and spend money they probably should’ve saved.

Google just added an anti-doomscrolling feature to Android called Pause Point, which is both helpful and deeply humiliating for humanity. The feature forces users to wait 10 seconds before opening apps they personally label as “distracting,” like TikTok, Instagram, X, or YouTube. Because apparently society has reached the point where adults need a loading screen between themselves and compulsive scrolling. Google says the goal is to help people “disconnect,” although regulators breathing down Big Tech’s neck probably helped inspire this sudden concern for human well-being. During the 10-second pause, Android may suggest healthier alternatives like fitness apps, audiobooks, or reading apps, which is adorable because everyone knows most people are still opening TikTok the second the countdown ends.

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Genesis AI says its robot hands now work like human hands. Genesis AI just unveiled GENE-26.5, an AI system paired with a robotic hand that the company claims can finally move and handle objects like a human. Which is great news for factories and terrible news for anyone whose only valuable skill is “good with PowerPoint.” The demos included cooking meals, solving Rubik’s Cubes, and handling delicate lab work, meaning robots are now entering their “annoyingly talented overachiever” phase. Meanwhile most humans still need a YouTube tutorial to fold a fitted sheet. The company says the breakthrough comes from a sensor-covered glove that copies human hand movements directly into the robot, creating a one-to-one mapping between person and machine. In simple terms: humans do the hard work once, robots copy it forever, and venture capitalists clap like seals. Genesis AI also says its system is dramatically cheaper and faster than older robot-training methods, because apparently the only thing Silicon Valley loves more than “changing the world” is lowering labor costs.

Apple’s next big innovation. Apple is reportedly preparing its first foldable iPhone, and instead of calling it the “iPhone Fold,” the company may go with “iPhone Ultra,” because apparently every gadget now needs to sound like a luxury SUV trim. The new phone is expected to sit above the Pro lineup as Apple’s most premium model yet, meaning millions of people will soon convince themselves they urgently need a folding screen to reply to texts and scroll Instagram. Reports say the iPhone Ultra could launch this fall alongside the iPhone 18 Pro models, although supplies may be limited at first, which is great news for people who enjoy panic-refreshing preorder pages at 8am. Apple is also rumored to be working on a touchscreen “MacBook Ultra,” because the company has clearly decided there is no product category that cannot become more expensive.

Fitbit just launched a bracelet for exhausted adults. Google just unveiled the Fitbit Air, a new screen-free fitness tracker that’s basically its answer to Whoop Strap, the wearable beloved by athletes, biohackers, and men who say things like “my HRV is cooked.” Unlike smartwatches, the Fitbit Air has no screen at all. You just wear the little wrist band 24/7 while it quietly tracks your sleep, heart rate, stress, recovery, workouts, and probably the exact moment your life started revolving around magnesium supplements. Google says the whole point is to make health tracking “less distracting,” which is Silicon Valley’s polite way of admitting everyone is tired of charging and staring at yet another glowing rectangle. The new device also comes with Gemini-powered coaching through a redesigned health app that gives personalized advice based on your data, meaning AI has now officially entered the “telling you to sleep more” phase. Battery life lasts up to seven days, which is impressive, although naturally the charger is proprietary because tech companies physically cannot resist making your old cables useless.

Cannes Film Festival kicks off this week, meaning for the next 12 days the French Riviera will be filled with movie stars, photographers, luxury brands, and people pretending they definitely understood the three-hour experimental film they just watched. The festival has long been Hollywood’s favorite place to celebrate “the art of cinema” while simultaneously conducting business meetings on yachts. Past Cannes premieres like Parasite and Anora went on to win Best Picture Oscars, so studios and critics will once again spend the week aggressively predicting awards six months early. This year’s jury is led by Park Chan-wook, while honorary Palme d’Or awards will go to Peter Jackson and Barbra Streisand, because Cannes loves nothing more than glamour mixed with lifetime achievement applause. Meanwhile, The White Lotus is reportedly filming its next season there too, which honestly feels perfect since Cannes already looks like an HBO satire about wealthy attractive people having emotional breakdowns near expensive hotels.

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Scotland finally got its first baby sloth. Scotland just welcomed its first-ever baby sloth, which feels right because nothing says “sloth habitat” like gray skies, rain, and absolutely no urgency anywhere. Edinburgh Zoo announced the birth of a male Linne’s two-toed sloth named Atty, born to first-time parents Feira and Nico, both six years old and apparently still more prepared for parenthood than half the internet. The baby was named after David Attenborough, who just turned 100 years old last week and continues to outwork men who sell “rise and grind” courses online. For the next six months, Atty will cling to his mother’s stomach, eat partially chewed leaves from her mouth, and sleep up to 15 hours a day, which sounds disgusting until you remember people willingly buy green juice cleanses and wellness retreats in Tulum.

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TikTok of the day: watch here

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