Good morning.

It’s Thursday, August 14 — the part of summer where you’re supposed to be “soaking it all in,” but really you’re just soaking in your own sweat and staring at your inbox like it’s a personal attack.

The last weeks of August are that weird seasonal purgatory: too late to start anything new, too early to start bragging about your fall plans. Beach days are rationed, iced coffee feels like a survival tool, and every calendar reminder gets mentally postponed to “after Labor Day.”

So here’s to you — hanging in there, half-working, half-wishing you were anywhere else. Have a good read, and an even better week.

Today’s stories:

• Amazon expands same-day delivery to 1,000+ cities

• Klarna launches debit cards, targets global banking

• Sam Altman backs $850M brain-computer startup

• Nepal offers 97 mountains for free climbs

• Tony Robbins raises $18M for anti-aging

• AOL ends dial-up internet after decades

• AI startup offers $34.5B for Chrome

• Apple to debut thinnest iPhone yet

• Brad Pitt’s F1 movie earns $571M

  and more…

Wall Street spent Wednesday in a good mood, with the S&P 500 and Nasdaq logging back-to-back record closes as traders all but bet the house on a Fed rate cut next meeting. The Dow stole the spotlight, jumping more than 450 points (up over 1%) and inching back toward its December peak. The S&P added 0.3%, the Nasdaq squeaked out 0.1%, and everyone acted like inflation’s latest report was a golden ticket — because nothing says “economic confidence” like celebrating before the Fed even shows up.

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Klarna Rebrands as a Bank

Klarna, the Swedish “buy now, pay later” giant once worth $45 billion, now wants to be your bank — yep, the company that lets you split cinnamon buns into three easy payments. Founder Sebastian Siemiatkowski shelved his billion-dollar IPO dreams this spring after Trump’s tariff tantrum rattled markets, but he’s back on track for a September listing, now armed with a pitch for debit cards, savings accounts, and full-on digital banking. The company already has 100 million users, $9.5 billion in deposits, and partnerships with Walmart, Airbnb, Uber, and basically anyone willing to let customers finance impulse buys. Klarna’s goal: sign up 10 million debit cardholders within a year and become a global lender — all while painting everything Barbie pink and hiring Snoop Dogg, Lady Gaga, and Paris Hilton to shill. Critics point out the obvious: Klarna’s new “gentle” banking empire is targeting financially stressed shoppers in a time of rising costs, which is like handing out free tequila shots at an AA meeting.

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Perplexity tries to buy Chrome for $34.5B. Perplexity AI — the three-year-old startup worth $14 billion — just offered $34.5 billion in cash for Google’s Chrome browser. Yes, they bid more than twice their own value. The move would give Perplexity access to Chrome’s 3+ billion users and a massive leg up in the AI search wars. They promise to keep Chromium open-source, drop $3 billion into it over two years, and not change Chrome’s default search engine (translation: Google can still be your homepage while they plot). Google hasn’t put Chrome up for sale, and analysts say they’d rather go to court for years than give up their internet gateway drug. But with regulators circling and antitrust remedies looming, Perplexity is shooting their shot — even if the judge drags this out longer than your last “quick” Netflix binge.

Amazon will deliver bananas before you finish this sentence. Amazon just declared war on your local grocery store by rolling out same-day delivery for meat, eggs, and produce to over 1,000 cities — with plans to hit 2,300 by year’s end. The service is free for Prime members spending over $25, $2.99 if you don’t, and a brutal $12.99 if you’re not a member. Translation: either you join Prime or you pay more for delivery than for the carton of eggs itself. The announcement sent Instacart stock down 11%, Kroger down 4%, and Albertsons down 3%, while Walmart — Amazon’s grocery arch-nemesis — slipped 1% and is probably stress-eating its own inventory. Amazon’s been slowly fusing its Fresh stores, Whole Foods, and online grocery empire into one unstoppable fridge-filler, now with the added power of same-day avocado drops. If your supermarket aisles feel emptier soon, it’s not a supply chain problem — it’s Bezos stealing your bananas.

OpenAI’s Altman bets $850M on Neuralink’s creepy twin. Sam Altman is spinning up Merge Labs — a brain-computer interface startup valued at around $850 million — because clearly the world needs another tech billionaire wiring human heads to machines. Funding might come from OpenAI’s ventures arm, though the deal’s still in the “maybe we will, maybe we won’t” stage. He’s partnering with Alex Blania, the eyeball-scanning guy from Tools for Humanity, which already sounds like a Black Mirror subplot. Merge Labs will compete with Elon Musk’s Neuralink, the $9 billion brain-chip outfit currently implanting hardware into people with paralysis. The endgame: letting humans control devices with their thoughts and, eventually, merging us with tech so our “next version” can be designed like a software update. Humanity 1.0 barely works, so good luck with 2.0.

iPhone 17 to Be Thinnest Ever

Apple’s gearing up for its September spectacle, where it’ll unveil the iPhone 17 lineup — aka “the thinnest iPhone ever.” Leaks point to a new “iPhone 17 Air” with just one camera lens, a basic A19 chip, and Apple’s in-house modem. Translation: the skinny model’s for people who like their tech minimalist and their upgrades barely noticeable. Rumors also say the Pro model might get a fancy wraparound antenna for better signal, which is nice if you enjoy calling people from the middle of nowhere. Pricing is still a mystery, but with Trump’s tariffs doing the cha-cha, expect Apple to either sneak in a $50 bump or pretend it’s a “value” because storage might start at 256GB. Event’s likely September 9 — so prepare for the annual ritual of pretending your old phone is “still fine” until you see the new one and start justifying your life choices.

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AOL finally disconnects from the 90s. Pour one out for the OG internet gateway: AOL is finally killing its dial-up service on September 30. Yes, that dial-up — the screechy, beepy, please-don’t-pick-up-the-phone-or-I’ll-get-disconnected one. AOL says it’s “evaluating products” (translation: no one’s paying $9.99 a month to wait 3 minutes for a webpage to load anymore). Once a 90s icon and early 2000s household staple, AOL dial-up came with a mailbox full of free trial CDs and the thrill of “You’ve Got Mail” — before broadband showed up and made it all look like a bad joke. After decades of stubborn survival, the dinosaur of the internet age is finally logging off for good.

Robbins’ health startup raises $18M to keep millionaires breathing longer. Tony Robbins and Peter Diamandis’ longevity startup Fountain Life just pulled in another $18 million — because apparently living forever now comes with a subscription plan. The Series B, led by EOS Ventures, brings total funding to $108 million for a business that charges up to $30,000 a year to scan, blood-test, and optimize you into a deluxe version of yourself. The pitch: early detection, “optimization,” and experimental regenerative therapies so you don’t “die of anything stupid.” Translation: four Fountain Life centers (soon to be more) will scan you like TSA on steroids, track over 100 biomarkers, and then give you supplements, treatments, or lab-approved stem cell magic. Robbins’ motivational pep talks are not included, but a reminder that you’ll die someday probably is. Membership perks include catching diseases before they show symptoms — and yes, they’ve got a couple of “saved your life” anecdotes locked and loaded for investor calls. At $30K a year, it’s basically concierge medicine for people who want to live to 120 and still have a six-pack.

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Nepal’s 97 Free Peaks: Gorgeous, Remote, and Painful

Nepal is giving away 97 mountains for free climbing over the next two years — a tourism promo that’s basically “Everest is $15K now, but here’s some clearance rack peaks instead.” They’re all stunning, tall, and located in provinces so remote you’ll lose three toenails just getting there. The government says it’s to boost tourism in poor regions. Translation: they want you to Instagram somewhere other than Everest’s overcrowded death queue.

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F1 proves Brad Pitt is still a box office driver. Brad Pitt just drove straight into his biggest box office hit ever — F1 The Movie has raked in $571 million worldwide since June 27, outpacing expectations and swerving past a summer full of franchise blockbusters. Directed by Top Gun: Maverick’s Joseph Kosinski and fueled by glowing reviews (82% on Rotten Tomatoes), the racing drama is now 2025’s biggest box office surprise. Apple dumped hundreds of millions into it, so it basically had to succeed — and it did. It’s even being whispered as a possible Best Picture contender for 2026, proving that Brad Pitt can still sell tickets faster than a Formula 1 car hits 200 mph. Also, at 61, he looks so good it’s borderline CGI — someone check the VFX budget.

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TikTok of the day: watch here

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