Good morning.

It’s Thursday, February 12. The Winter Olympics are in full swing, which means the planet is collectively watching superhumans defy gravity on ice while we debate whether stepping outside is worth it.

Fun fact before you go back to pretending you could totally land that triple axel: the modern Olympics kicked off in 1896. Cute. But the real ones? They go all the way back to 776 BC in Olympia, Greece. Yes, that Olympia. Branding was simpler back then. Only men competed. Ancient times… And here’s the best part: they competed completely naked. Fully. Zero uniforms. It was considered a “show of civility” during political conflict. Imagine world leaders today suggesting that as a peace strategy.

Have a great read. Stay warm. And if you attempt any Olympic-level moves this week, maybe keep the clothes on.

Today’s stories:

Stocks basically stood still Wednesday, pretending to process a January jobs report that came in hot. Hiring blew past expectations, flashing labor market resilience—even as last year’s numbers were heavily revised. Strong jobs are good news, unless you were hoping for rate cuts. The takeaway: the Federal Reserve can comfortably sit on its hands a while longer.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average dipped 0.1%, backing away from record territory. The S&P 500 slipped just below flat, and the Nasdaq Composite edged down 0.1%. Not a selloff. Not a rally. Just markets recalibrating around the idea that “higher for longer” is still very much on the table.

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Real estate prices in the Hamptons just hit another record. Because of course they did. Median home prices reached $2.34 million in the fourth quarter, up 34% from last year. The average sale price climbed to $3.76 million. Homes selling for over $5 million also hit a record. The reason is simple: Wall Street had a great year and decided to celebrate with beachfront property. Brokers say hedge fund managers, private equity execs, and tech money are piling in, mostly with all-cash deals. High interest rates are slowing down normal buyers. Rich buyers do not care. This isn’t about homes getting more expensive across the board. It’s about more giant, very expensive homes selling. The mix shifted. The median followed. Inventory is tight, especially oceanfront homes, and summer rentals are already moving fast. Some 2026 rentals are gone before winter even ends. One waterfront home reportedly rented for close to $1 million just for July through Labor Day. Casual. Buyers are coming from New York, Florida escapees avoiding summer heat, and even California. Anyone waiting for last-minute May discounts may want a backup plan. The Hamptons remain cold, snowy, and extremely unaffordable. Summer is already sold.

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Uber discovers minimum pay is not optional. Uber Eats is paying $3.5 million to New York City after an investigation found it underpaid delivery workers. The city ordered $3.15 million in restitution to about 48,000 couriers and another $350,000 in penalties and fees. The issue covered time spent on canceled trips between December 2023 and September 2024. Apparently, that time still counts as work. City officials also said Uber and other delivery apps designed their apps in ways that cut worker tips by an estimated $550 million. Bold strategy. Uber says it fixed the problem after being notified last summer and paid more than what was owed. Case closed, according to Uber. The deal also includes reinstating workers who were wrongly deactivated. That could be up to 10,000 people. So far, just over 1,000 are back. On average, couriers were underpaid about $19. Not life-changing. Still illegal. Other delivery apps are paying too, bringing the total payout to $5.2 million. New York City continues its hobby of reminding tech companies that labor laws exist.

America runs on APR. Americans ended 2025 with a new hobby: debt. redit card balances just hit a fresh record — $1.28 trillion. That’s up $44 billion in one quarter. Holiday shopping said treat yourself. Interest rates said I will. People feel less confident about next year. More think their finances will get worse. Meanwhile spending is still “strong,” mostly because higher-income households are still swiping like nothing happened. Classic K-shaped economy. Some are booking vacations. Others are missing mortgage payments. Credit card interest is around 20%. About 60% of users carry balances month to month. That’s not a card. That’s a long-term relationship with a bank. Trump suggested a temporary 10% cap on card rates. Banks basically laughed. They fought fee caps before. They’ll fight this too. America. Land of opportunity. Home of the minimum payment.

Organic pouches, now with an $845M price tag. Jennifer Garner just turned organic baby food into an $845 million company. Her children’s food brand, Once Upon a Farm, debuted on the New York Stock Exchange and immediately popped. Shares opened at $21, above the $18 offer price, and closed up about 17%. The company sold around 11 million shares and raised roughly $198 million. Not bad for applesauce. The IPO is also a small sign of life for consumer stocks after a very sleepy 2025. Wall Street is slowly waking up, stretching, and deciding it might like new companies again. Celebrity brand, organic food, strong debut. The IPO market is back. At least emotionally.

Novo Nordisk sues Hims over Ozempic knock-offs. Novo Nordisk is suing Hims & Hers Health, accusing it of selling knock-off versions of its obesity drugs. Novo says Hims violated U.S. patents on semaglutide, the active ingredient behind Wegovy and Ozempic. The lawsuit targets both copycat pills and compounded injections that look a little too familiar. This is Novo getting serious. Until now, it mostly complained about marketing. This is the first time it’s gone straight for patent infringement over compounded semaglutide. Awkward timing, though. Last week, the Food and Drug Administration told Novo that a Wegovy TV ad made “false or misleading” claims. Novo says it’s working on a response. The lawsuit also follows a rough stretch for Novo. Weak sales guidance, pressure from Eli Lilly & Co., and headlines about Hims offering cheaper alternatives did not help the vibe. Hims backed off the copycat pill, but Novo sued anyway. Message received. Hims stock dropped hard. Novo stock jumped, then calmed down. Wall Street loves a pharmaceutical feud. Hims says this is Big Pharma trying to kill choice and affordability. Novo says it’s protecting safety and patents. Everyone says they’re right. Lawyers are thrilled.

A startup called General Galactic thinks it can make rocket fuel from water. Everyone is invited to be skeptical. The company was cofounded by a former SpaceX engineer and plans to test its water-based propellant this fall using a 1,100-pound satellite. If it works, it could change how satellites move in space. Big if. The idea isn’t new. Space leaders like Bill Nelson and Elon Musk have talked for years about finding ice on the Moon or Mars, turning it into fuel, and heading deeper into space. So far, no one has actually done it at scale. General Galactic says it’s time to stop the “yada yada” part and try it for real. The plan uses water in two ways: split it into hydrogen and oxygen and burn it like traditional rocket fuel, or turn oxygen into plasma for electric propulsion. Less explosive, easier to store, and much less dramatic than liquid methane. If it works, satellites get cheaper, safer fuel. If it doesn’t, space gets another ambitious experiment filed under “worth a shot.” Water may not be perfect rocket fuel. But in space, good enough might be revolutionary.

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Lyft now lets teens call rides. Lyft just launched teen accounts, letting kids as young as 13 order rides without an adult in more than 200 U.S. cities, including New York, Chicago, Boston, and Atlanta. Parents have to create the account. Teens don’t get freelance freedom. Drivers go through extra checks, rides use PIN verification, audio recording is available, and parents can track everything in real time. Big “I’m watching you” energy. Teens can bring friends, but only if the parent approves. Payment is shared. Control is absolute. This puts Lyft closer to Uber, which tested teen accounts years ago and rolled them out widely in 2024. Lyft is still behind Waymo, which already offers teen rides in its robotaxi zones. Humbling.

TikTok becomes your neighborhood guide. TikTok just got… local. The app launched a new “Local Feed” in the U.S., showing you nearby restaurants, events, shops, and news based on where you are. Yes, that’s why it suddenly wants your precise location. Shock. TikTok says location sharing will be optional and turned off by default. You choose. Totally. Pinky promise. The feature already rolled out in parts of Europe. Now it’s America’s turn to discover brunch spots via algorithm. Officially, this is about “community.” Unofficially, it’s also about small businesses and ads. The more local shops rely on TikTok, the harder it is to regulate it. Very strategic. Very corporate. TikTok says 7.5 million businesses use the app, supporting 28 million jobs. Most small businesses claim it helps them grow. Which is great. And convenient. Bottom line: TikTok wants to send you from scrolling in bed to spending money down the street. Your feed just became your tour guide.

Bonobos are hosting imaginary tea parties. Bad news for human exceptionalism: bonobos can play pretend. A new study published in Science shows that great apes are capable of imagination, make-believe, and fake tea party logic. Yes, really. The star of the study was Kanzi, a bonobo tested by researchers at Johns Hopkins University. Kanzi was shown empty cups, imaginary juice, and fictional grapes. He correctly tracked where the pretend juice and grapes were most of the time—and still picked the real juice when it actually mattered. Translation: he knew the difference between real and imaginary. He just chose to play along. Researchers ran the tests to rule out imitation or confusion. The result: Kanzi wasn’t guessing, copying humans, or hallucinating fruit. He was pretending. On purpose. So children aren’t the only ones hosting invisible tea parties. Bonobos are doing it too. 

New York companies swear AI didn’t fire anyone. New York asked companies to say if AI caused layoffs. No one said yes. More than 160 companies filed mass layoff notices. Not one blamed “technological innovation or automation.” Not Amazon. Not Goldman Sachs. Not anyone. This box has existed for almost a year. It remains untouched. Pristine. Which is funny, because companies openly brag about AI replacing tasks, boosting productivity, and cutting costs. Just not on government forms. Outside New York, tens of thousands of U.S. job cuts have been linked to AI. Inside New York, AI has apparently never fired a single human. AI is working hard. Paperwork is working harder.

The Super Bowl isn’t just football and halftime drama. It’s also a food circus. This year, while most fans are eating normal chicken tenders, some are staring lovingly at a $180 burger called the LX Hammer Burger. Yes. $180. The burger weighs 3.5 pounds, supposedly feeds four people, and includes a full bone-in beef shank sticking out of it like a medieval weapon. Hence the “hammer” part. Very subtle. It’s topped with fancy things like bleu cheese fondue and demi-glace, all stuffed into brioche buns with a literal hole cut out for the bone. Because obviously. Is it food? Is it performance art? Is it a financial decision you’ll regret immediately? All three.

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Super Bowl 60: football, ads, and betting on everything. The Seattle Seahawks are Super Bowl 60 champions after beating the New England Patriots at Levi’s Stadium. Football was played. Seattle won. The rest was business. The game aired on NBC and streamed on Peacock, where ads averaged about $8 million for 30 seconds. Some spots went for more than $10 million. Blink and you missed a down. Don’t blink during commercials. Streaming viewers also got exclusive ads, giving smaller brands a seat at the Super Bowl table. Growth mindset, but make it expensive. Another breakout star this year was prediction markets. Platforms like Kalshi and Polymarket let users trade on everything from which brands would advertise to halftime songs and rushing yards. Yes, people were betting on the playlist of Bad Bunny. CNBC tracked the biggest ads and moments, but the takeaway is simple: Seattle got the trophy, advertisers got the attention, and capitalism once again had a very good night.

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TikTok of the day: watch here

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