Good morning.

It’s Thursday, October 23. The city’s halfway between pumpkin spice euphoria and seasonal depression, and everyone’s pretending they “love fall” while secretly Googling Caribbean flights. The air smells like roasted chestnuts and burnout. On this day in 2001, the iPod was released, back when Apple still gave us things that added joy instead of removing charging ports. It held 1,000 songs, which was basically the entire emotional range of a millennial in 2001.

So here’s to simpler tech, stronger coffee, and surviving another week of “just one more meeting.” Have a good day, and an even lazier rest of the week.

Today’s stories:

• Heineken mocks viral AI friend gadget with beer ads

• WhatsApp adds usernames to ditch phone numbers

• Samsung debuts cheaper Vision Pro rival with AI

• Netflix adapting board game Catan into a series

• Fans shave heads to attend Bugonia screening

• OpenAI launches Atlas to rival Google Chrome

• Japan elects its first female prime minister

• Kohler unveils $599 smart toilet camera

• Gold prices crash 5% after record highs

• Clothing prices spike, led by outerwear
  

  and more…

U.S. stocks stumbled Wednesday as fresh drama out of D.C. reignited worries over U.S.-China trade tensions and a few corporate duds didn’t help.

The Dow dropped 334 points, the S&P 500 slipped 0.5%, and the Nasdaq fell nearly 1%. Even tech couldn’t save the day—Texas Instruments and Netflix both missed the mark, dragging the indexes lower.

Adding fuel to the sell-off, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent confirmed the White House is considering new export curbs on software bound for China—a move first leaked by Reuters. It follows Trump’s earlier threat to restrict “any and all critical software” by Nov. 1, which, judging by today’s market mood, investors definitely haven’t forgotten.

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Japan’s Iron Lady Takes Over

Japan just got its first female prime minister—and she’s basically Margaret Thatcher with better hair. Sanae Takaichi, 64, snagged the top job after a last-minute political deal saved her from getting booted by her own allies. She’s now running the world’s fourth-largest economy at a time when prices are up, patience is down, and four prime ministers in five years have already tried and failed. Known as Japan’s “Iron Lady,” Takaichi worships Thatcher, hates same-sex marriage, and isn’t a fan of women keeping their maiden names—so, yeah, feminism’s having a confusing day. Abroad, she’s got to deal with an unpredictable Trump, a cautious South Korea, and a glaring China. At home, she’s promising better women’s healthcare and support for domestic workers. Whether she’ll modernize Japan or just keep the patriarchy freshly polished remains to be seen.

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Gold just got dumped hard. Gold just face-planted. After hitting record highs above $4,300 an ounce, prices nosedived nearly 5% Tuesday, it’s the Wall Street’s way of saying “we took profits, thanks.” The dollar flexed, traders panicked, and the metal that was supposed to be a “safe haven” suddenly looked like a bad impulse buy. It’s the biggest drop since 2013, ending gold’s glittery run fueled by Fed-cut fantasies and global chaos. The metal opened strong, flirted with $4,393, then tanked to $4,090 (classic overachiever burnout). Even silver joined the pity party. In short: the dollar’s up, the vibes are down, and gold bugs are coping by refreshing their portfolio apps every three seconds.

Heineken trolls AI “best friend” startup. Heineken just crashed the AI friendship party—and brought beer. After startup Friend launched a $1 million NYC campaign for its creepy “AI necklace bestie,” New Yorkers responded the only way they know how: with graffiti calling it “loneliness for profit.” Heineken jumped in fast with its own posters: “The best way to make a friend is over a beer.” The ad shows a bottle opener necklace that looks suspiciously like Friend’s gadget, except this one actually opens conversations (and bottles). The campaign’s already blowing up in Bryant Park, with Heineken’s VP saying the response has been “overwhelmingly positive.” Turns out humans still prefer drinking buddies to data collectors. Cheers to that.

Fashion gets more expensive. Fashion just got pricier—again. According to a new AlixPartners report, clothing prices jumped across the board this year, with jackets and outerwear leading the charge at a 24% increase. On average, everything from swimsuits to dresses costs about $17 more than last year. Analysts say some brands are pushing back seasonal launches since fall now shows up somewhere around December. But others haven’t adjusted, meaning discounts will hit shelves before anyone’s even felt a chill. Fashion’s pricey, the weather’s confused, and your wallet’s the one freezing.

Sam Altman Wants to Replace Chrome

OpenAI just launched Atlas, its shiny new web browser, and officially picked a fight with Google Chrome. The ChatGPT maker wants to turn your browsing into one long AI-generated summary, skipping all those tabs you never close anyway. It’s starting on Macs, rolling out to everything else later, and yes, Sam Altman’s calling it a “once-a-decade chance to rethink the browser.” Translation: time to make actual money. But Chrome owns three billion users and an iron grip on the internet. Analyst Paddy Harrington says OpenAI’s basically “competing with a giant who has ridiculous market share.” Even a federal judge recently refused to force Google to sell Chrome, arguing AI is already shaking up the field enough. For OpenAI, this isn’t totally hopeless. Chrome pulled off the same underdog move in 2008 when it killed Internet Explorer. Maybe Atlas can do the same—if people actually want a browser that talks back. Until then, it’s AI versus Google, with everyone else stuck watching the world’s nerdiest turf war.

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Kohler’s new gadget literally watches you poop. Kohler just reinvented the toilet—and made it watch you. The company unveiled Dekoda, a $599 smart camera that clips onto your bowl, snaps pics of your business, and tells you how your gut’s doing. Yes, your toilet is now an influencer for your intestines. The gadget claims to analyze hydration, gut health, and even detect blood. It recognizes users with a fingerprint sensor, charges by USB, and—because capitalism never sleeps—requires a yearly subscription starting at $70. Kohler swears the camera only looks down, not up, and that everything’s encrypted. Still, it’s hard not to laugh at paying $600 for a toilet that spies on you. At least it’s polite enough to say it’s for your health.

Samsung drops $1,800 headset. Samsung finally dropped its $1,800 Galaxy XR headset—the company’s first stab at extended reality, built with Google and stuffed full of Gemini AI. Think snowboard goggles with Wi-Fi and an identity crisis. It’s part VR, part AR, part “I spent two grand to look like a futuristic bug.” The Galaxy XR packs 12 cameras, six microphones, and Gemini watching your every move—literally. You can turn your living room into a movie theater, teleport to Paris without leaving your couch, or have Gemini explain the weird bug on your wall. Basically, it’s your new best friend and creepiest roommate. This is Samsung’s big answer to Apple’s $3,499 Vision Pro, but half the price and twice the boldness. Google calls it the first “Android XR platform built for the Gemini era.” Translation: more AI, fewer reasons to go outside.

WhatsApp’s username feature is almost here. After two years of teasing, WhatsApp is finally inching toward letting users pick usernames, so you can stop handing out your phone number like it’s 2009. The feature will let you create a unique handle, reserve it early, and chat without exposing your digits to randoms. It’s basically WhatsApp’s slow-motion attempt to become Telegram, complete with privacy upgrades and a rumored PIN lock that stops strangers from sliding into your DMs, even if they know your username. The rollout’s coming “soon,” which in WhatsApp time could mean anywhere between next month and the next decade. Still, the feature’s already been spotted in beta for Android and iOS, with an early reservation option so the cool usernames don’t get snatched up first. Better grab your @handle before someone else does—it’s about to get very 2012 Twitter in there.

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Fans Go Bald for Emma Stone

Emma Stone’s new sci-fi comedy Bugonia just turned movie night into a barbershop. For its early LA screening, Focus Features only let in bald people—so fans lined up to shave their heads on the spot. Yes, seriously. A barber in the theater lobby was buzzing scalps like it was a cult initiation. The stunt mirrors the film itself, where Stone plays a pharma CEO kidnapped by conspiracy nuts who think she’s an alien—and prove it by shaving her head. Directed by Yorgos Lanthimos, the movie drops nationwide on October 31. Until then, it’s bringing “method viewing” to a terrifying new level.

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Netflix officially out of ideas—now making Catan. Netflix has run out of books and true-crime stories, so now it’s adapting Catan. Yes, the board game. The streamer just scored the rights to turn the 1995 German classic—where players hoard sheep, wood, and wheat—into a cinematic universe. Expect live-action drama, animated spin-offs, maybe even a reality show where someone cries over losing ore. The game has sold 45 million copies, so clearly people love trading imaginary resources with friends they’ll never speak to again. Netflix says the series will dive into “alliances, betrayals, and limited resources”—aka every group chat ever. After Squid Game and Love Is Blind, this is probably the most realistic take on human desperation yet.

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TikTok of the day: watch here

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