Good morning.

It’s Tuesday, December 23 — and this is the only newsletter this week because absolutely no one has the emotional capacity for more. Not you. Not us.

So let’s get the holiday diplomacy out of the way: Merry Christmas to everyone celebrating. Happy Hanukkah to everyone lighting candles. And happy holidays to the atheists who don’t believe in religion but absolutely believe in time off, decorative lights, desserts, and vibes. Strong beliefs.

We’ll see you next week, and until then — overeat, under-commit, and avoid eye contact with anyone who wants to discuss goals.

Today’s stories:

• Prehistoric oceans had next-level predators

• Federal workers get bonus Christmas days

• Microdosing cannabis slows brain decline

• Robotaxis are coming for London streets

• Parenthood now costs luxury-car money

• Nervous money hides in shiny metals

• Avatar opens big, waits to dominate

• TikTok turns scrolling into gift cards

• TikTok rebrands to avoid U.S. ban

• China bans crypto again, louder

  and more…

Stock futures hovered near flat Monday night after markets kicked off the shortened week on a strong note. Dow futures dipped 9 points, S&P 500 futures barely moved, and Nasdaq 100 futures inched up 0.1%.

The S&P 500 is riding a three-day win streak, powered by a 1.5% pop in Nvidia and solid gains from Micron and Oracle. Ten of 11 sectors finished higher, with materials and financials leading the charge. Newmont and Freeport-McMoRan jumped 3% as gold and silver futures hit record highs.

Earlier in the session, the Dow added 228 points, while the Nasdaq climbed 0.5%, keeping the rally alive heading into the holiday-shortened stretch.

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Gold and Silver Hit Records as Investors Get Nervous

Gold, silver, and copper just hit fresh all-time highs, because money is nervous and vibes are defensive. Gold jumped past $4,450 an ounce for the first time ever and is now up 67% this year, its best run since disco was still a thing. Silver climbed to $69 an ounce, up 130% in 2025, officially stealing the spotlight. Copper joined the party too, trading near $12,000 a ton, up 40% for the year. Investors are betting on rate cuts in 2026, which makes cash and bonds less attractive. When yields drop, gold starts looking like emotional support metal again. Markets expect the Federal Reserve to hold rates in January, but odds are shifting toward cuts by spring, according to CME FedWatch Tool. Translation: tech is expensive, cash is boring, and metals are having their main character moment.

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TikTok becomes “more American” to survive. TikTok is staying in the U.S. by becoming American enough to pass inspection. CEO Shou Zi Chew told staff that U.S. operations are moving into a new company called TikTok USDS Joint Venture LLC. The deal closes January 22, just before the ban hammer could swing. Under U.S. law, ByteDance had to sell or shut TikTok down. This is the compromise. The new entity is majority owned by American investors, run by a mostly American board, and wrapped in national security language. Oracle, Silver Lake, and MGX are in. ByteDance keeps a smaller stake and fewer buttons to push. Oracle will store U.S. data, audit the systems, and make sure the algorithm behaves.

Where it costs the most to raise a child in 2025. Raising a kid in America now costs about $27,743 a year. That’s for a child under five. No college. No therapy bills yet. Just existing. According to a new study from SmartAsset, costs jumped 4.5% in one year, beating inflation. Childcare, housing, food, and healthcare did most of the damage. Where it hurts the most: Massachusetts, at $44,221 per year. Two working parents there need roughly $125K combined income just to survive with one small human. Vermont and New Jersey also rocketed up the rankings with massive one-year increases. Where it hurts the least: Mississippi, still under $20K a year, even after prices went up. Alabama, Kentucky, South Dakota, and Georgia follow behind, still painful but slightly less terrifying. A rare plot twist: costs actually fell in 10 states. Hawaii led the drop, down more than $8K. New York also got marginally cheaper, which is shocking and should be studied in a lab.

China cracks down again on crypto trading. People’s Bank of China reminded everyone that crypto is still very much banned. Again. Louder this time. After spotting renewed trading activity, China’s central bank held a big meeting with 13 government agencies and recommitted to cracking down on crypto. Stablecoins were called out as especially dangerous, blamed for money laundering, fraud, and money moving where it shouldn’t. The message was simple: crypto is not money, never was, and anyone treating it like money is doing something illegal. This is awkward for Hong Kong, which is trying to become a regulated crypto hub and recently passed stablecoin rules. Mainland China’s response was essentially: good luck with that. Meanwhile, despite the ban, crypto activity hasn’t disappeared. China still accounts for about 14% of global Bitcoin mining, according to industry data. Officially banned. Unofficially alive.

TikTok Shop launches digital gift cards. TikTok Shop just launched digital gift cards, because scrolling wasn’t monetized enough yet. You can now send gift cards from $10 to $500, delivered by email, wrapped in animated designs for birthdays, weddings, thank-yous, and panic gifting. Very festive. Very internet. The timing is intentional. TikTok Shop dropped this during the holidays to compete more directly with Amazon and eBay, both of which already own the “default gift” lane. TikTok is also pushing into luxury retail, because why not sell designer items next to haul videos. Recipients need a TikTok account, and the money goes straight into their TikTok Balance. They can even send a thank-you note or gift card back, keeping the money politely trapped inside the app. For now, gift cards are U.S.-only. Everyone else can keep watching Americans shop in real time.

Uber and Lyft Bring Robotaxis to London

Uber and Lyft are bringing robotaxis to London next year, because humans were apparently the problem. Both companies plan to test autonomous vehicles from Baidu’s Apollo Go fleet in 2026, joining Waymo and local startup Wayve. London is becoming a very polite testing ground for driverless cars. Lyft says it will start once regulators approve and plans to scale to hundreds of vehicles. Uber says it will begin testing in the first half of 2026. No firm launch dates. Just vibes and spreadsheets. This is part of a bigger trend. Uber and Lyft are making deals with anyone who builds robotaxis, hoping the future arrives before drivers quit faster than the apps can replace them.

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Tiny doses of cannabis may slow Alzheimer’s decline. A tiny study from Brazil suggests that microdosing cannabis may slow cognitive decline in people with mild Alzheimer’s. No high. No stoner vibes. Just science. Researchers gave 24 patients very small daily doses of THC and CBD — about 0.3 mg each, which is basically nothing in cannabis terms. Over 24 weeks, patients on the cannabis extract stayed mentally stable, while the placebo group declined. The improvement wasn’t dramatic. Think 2–3 points better on a standard memory test. But in Alzheimer’s research, “not getting worse” already counts as a win. No major side effects. No mood boosts. No miracle cure. Just a small signal that the aging brain might respond to cannabinoids — especially since the body’s own system for this declines with age.

Before sharks, the ocean belonged to reptile giants. Long before sharks and whales ran the ocean, marine reptiles were on another level. Literally. Scientists from McGill University reconstructed a 130-million-year-old ocean ecosystem from Colombia and found predators sitting on a seventh level of the food chain. Today’s oceans top out at six. Ancient seas were just built different. The ecosystem, preserved in Colombia’s Paja Formation, was packed with giant reptiles over 10 meters long, surrounded by dense layers of prey, prey-of-prey, and everything in between. Modern apex predators like orcas and great white sharks now look… modest.

Avatar Opens Second Best of 2025

The third James Cameron Avatar film opened to $345 million worldwide, making it the second-biggest global opening of 2025, right behind Disney’s Zootopia 2. Not bad. Not record-breaking. Still very rich. In North America, it pulled $88 million, which is softer than expected. The movie didn’t flop. It just didn’t explode immediately. Classic Avatar behavior. This happened before. The first two Avatar movies also opened quietly, then casually became some of the biggest films in history once the holidays kicked in. The plan now is simple: let Christmas, New Year’s, and bored families do the heavy lifting. Historically, that strategy works extremely well for Pandora.

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Trump adds rwo Christmas holidays. Donald Trump just gave federal workers a mini Christmas bonus: Christmas Eve and December 26 are federal holidays in 2025. That means if you work for the government, Christmas turns into a neat little three-day stretch. Congrats. Before anyone gets too excited: this is temporary. These days are not permanent holidays. Congress would have to agree on that, and that’s not happening over eggnog. Who actually benefits? Mostly federal workers. Maybe some offices will still make people show up anyway. Private companies? Totally optional. Most are sticking to the classic move: closed on Christmas Day only. Target, Walmart, and Costco are all doing business as usual on Christmas Eve and December 26. One day off. Back to work. Retail never sleeps.

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TikTok of the day: watch here

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