Good morning. It’s Thursday, May 15 — and somewhere, someone is already trying to figure out how to “make the most of summer” while doomscrolling from a desk chair.

On this day in 1940, two guys in San Bernardino opened a little burger joint called McDonald’s. Just a tiny place where you could get a greasy bite and maybe a side of regret. Fast forward to now, and it’s a global empire responsible for 2 a.m. shame meals and questionable salads.

Anyway, don’t blink and miss summer while fake-planning vacations you won’t take. Go outside. Get sunburned. Live a little. But right now, scroll on — we made this specially for you.

Today’s stories:

• Android boosts security for targeted users

• UberPool rebranded as commuter shuttle

• America’s billionaires sorted by state

• Brits try Everest shortcut with xenon

• Chime IPOs while denying it's bank

• Qatar signs vague $200B jet deal

• FBI radar sees through your walls

• Tesla plans new payday for Musk

• Max rebrands back to HBO Max

• Amazon adds pet meds to cart

• Robot runs on lab-grown brain

  and more…

Wall Street mostly tiptoed higher on Wednesday—unless you were the Dow, which apparently decided to take a nap. The S&P 500 inched up a polite 0.1%, while the Nasdaq sprinted ahead with a 0.7% gain, notching its sixth straight win. Tech stocks were clearly in their "main character" era.

Nvidia jumped over 4% after a multi-day rally put it back in the green for the year. AMD joined the party with a matching 4% rise, and Alphabet casually added 3% without breaking a sweat. Meanwhile, Super Micro Computer stole the show, skyrocketing 15%—because why not? And while investors bickered over tariffs, tech just kept climbing like it didn’t get the memo.

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Amazon Wants to Medicate Your Pets Now

Amazon’s moving into pet prescriptions, because apparently world domination wasn’t complete without your cat’s heart meds. Through a deal with Vetsource, you can now order Fido’s flea pills and Fluffy’s thyroid meds straight from the same site you buy toilet paper and regret. It works like this: you order, your vet signs off, Vetsource ships it in 2–6 days. Chewy and Walmart are already doing this, but Amazon’s here to make sure no niche goes unmonetized. The company’s been obsessed with meds since launching its digital pharmacy in 2020. Pet pills are just the next logical step in Bezos’ master plan.

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Boeing signs huge maybe-deal in Doha. During his Gulf tour, Trump watched Qatar Airways sign a “$200 billion” deal for 160 Boeing jets. He called it the biggest order ever, which sounds great — if you ignore the fact that no one knows what planes were actually ordered or if any of it is legally binding. Boeing hasn’t published prices in years, and bulk orders usually come with massive discounts. Aviation analysts peg the real value closer to $70 billion — but hey, round up, shout big numbers, and call it historic. That’s the vibe.

Elon’s allowance might be coming back. After a judge torched his $56 billion payday, Tesla is now quietly assembling a committee to figure out how to pay Elon Musk. Again. The board is mulling a new stock-based deal to keep him from rage-quitting — even though he hasn’t officially been paid in years. Musk wants more control. He already owns 13% of Tesla and was aiming for 20% with the now-dead 2018 plan. Investors aren’t exactly thrilled. Tesla stock is tanking, EV sales are down, and Musk’s side quests — including a role in Trump’s “Department of Government Efficiency” — aren’t helping. On the last earnings call, Musk swore he’d focus more on Tesla. Translation: he might look at the emails this time.

Chime’s going public, still not a bank. Chime just filed to go public on Nasdaq under the ticker “CHYM.” The fintech company wants you to know it’s a techcompany, not a bank — even though it acts like one, competes with banks, and makes money like one. Chime rakes in cash from interchange fees every time users swipe their Chime cards. In Q1, it pulled $518.7 million in revenue and $12.9 million in profit — down from $15.9 million, but hey, vibes are up 32%. Welcome to Wall Street, where you're not a bank but totally bank anyway.

Forbes names the richest people in every state. Forbes dropped its annual rich list, because someone had to. The wealthiest people in 47 states now sit on a combined $2 trillion — up $400 billion from last year. Must be nice. David Steward (tech guy) dethroned the Bass Pro guy in Missouri. In Arkansas, Rob Walton edged out his own brother Jim by a billion. Alice Walton is still the world’s richest woman, but in Texas she’s playing backup to Elon Musk, who moved there for vibes and tax breaks.

FBI Gets New Toy to See Through Walls

The FBI is buying radar tech that can literally see people through walls. Moving, sitting, lying down — doesn’t matter. The lunchbox-sized device uses radio waves to detect life on the other side. They say it’s for finding disaster victims. But sure, let’s pretend this won’t be used to peek into everything else too. Privacy is canceled, again.

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Uber launches ride shares. Uber just dropped Ride Shares — basically Uber Pool in a trench coat pretending to be a commuter shuttle. It runs during rush hour in select cities, picks you up at set spots, and drops you kinda near where you’re going. Congrats, it’s a bus. With apps. It’s up to 50% cheaper than UberX if you’re cool walking to your ride and sharing with strangers. Uber’s also rolling out ride passes: a $3 “price lock” and a prepaid bulk-buy option. Both promise savings and both are now teen-friendly. 

Google rolls out advanced protection for the hacked and the hunted. Android 16 is getting a new Advanced Protection mode — basically Google’s way of saying, “Your phone will get hacked, here’s a slightly better seatbelt.” The feature is for “high-risk” users — aka journalists, activists, or anyone targeted by spyware cartels like NSO Group. These groups sell zero-day exploits like candy and have spent a decade turning smartphones into pocket snitches. The update aims to block sketchy network calls, spy-grade malware, and scammy texts. So, if you’ve ever wondered if your phone’s listening… yeah. It probably was.

Scientists build robot with a brain in a jar. Scientists in China have built a robot controlled by a literal brain-on-a-chip. Lab-grown, not harvested (phew?), but still pulsing away in a petri dish, plugged into a machine like it’s prepping for its debut in a dystopian Netflix series. The mini-brain — part of an open-source project called MetaBOC (because of course it has a name) — can learn how to move the robot’s arms, avoid obstacles, and track targets. It doesn’t “see” like we do. Inste ad, it gets fed electric signals, decodes them, and figures out how to navigate the world like a digital rat in a maze.

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Max Is HBO Max Again. Sure, Whatever.

Warner Bros. Discovery is changing the name back to HBO Max, because apparently we all hated “Max” and forgot what it was. This is the fourth rebrand in ten years. From HBO Go to HBO Now to HBO Max to Max… and now, full circle. Execs claim it’s “what’s working.” Translation: nobody watched the non-HBO stuff. Congrats to HBO for winning the battle against itself.

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Climbing Everest on laughing gas. What could go wrong. Four ex-military Brits have decided they’re too important for Everest’s usual six-week slog. Instead, they’re trying to summit the world’s highest peak in just seven days — using xenon, a noble gas more commonly found in operating rooms than on mountaintops. The idea was born in a pub, as all great bad ideas are. One of them heard about a shortcut: inhaling xenon gas ten days before the climb to trick the body into producing more red blood cells, supposedly mimicking the effects of weeks of acclimatization. They’re working with Furtenbach Adventures, whose CEO swears the gas works. He’s used it on himself five times and believes it boosts EPO, the hormone that builds red blood cells.

Real scientists aren’t buying it. Medical experts warn the red blood cell boost takes weeks to develop and the effects of a single dose of xenon fade quickly. The International Climbing and Mountaineering Federation calls the whole thing pointless at best and dangerous at worst.

The team plans to fly from the UK to Kathmandu, chopper to base camp, climb to the summit in a few days, then head back home with a selfie and maybe a case of cerebral edema. Because nothing says elite adventure like skipping the hard part and hoping science doesn’t slap back.

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TikTok of the day: watch here

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