Good morning. If the weather has you bundled up and dreaming of sunshine, hang in there. January might be chilly, but it’s also the perfect excuse for a little extra self-care. For those of you lucky enough to be somewhere tropical, enjoy every second — and send some sunshine vibes to the rest of us. Let’s make the most of this winter day.

Today’s topics:

• Spain eyes a 100% property tax on non-EU buyers

• ‘Severance’ stages office chaos at Grand Central

• China’s trade surplus hit a record $1T last year

• TikTok is packing up and leaving the U.S.

• A drug lord’s jet, yours for $100

• Finally, Bezos nails that orbit

  and more…

So much for that three-day winning streak. The S&P 500 dipped 0.21% to 5,937.34 on Thursday as big tech took a breather, dragging the Nasdaq down 0.89% and the Dow 68 points (0.16%). Apple led the flop with a 4% drop, its worst performance since Aug. 5, followed by Tesla’s 3% slide, Nvidia’s 2% slip, and Alphabet’s 1% tumble. Looks like Silicon Valley’s stars lost a bit of their shine.

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JPMorgan Makes Bank (Literally)

JPMorgan made a record $54 billion in profit for 2024, with fourth-quarter earnings jumping 50% to $14 billion. They easily beat Wall Street’s lowball guesses on profit and revenue. People and businesses are still spending big, even with high interest rates. Other banks like Citigroup and Goldman Sachs also cashed in.

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TikTok takedown is here. TikTok says it’s packing up and leaving the U.S. on Sunday because ByteDance couldn’t sell it off in time. President-elect Trump might swoop in with a last-minute "hero" move to delay the ban, but it’s unclear if that’s even legal. For now, TikTok users can keep scrolling through questionable dance trends and viral pasta recipes, but don’t expect updates or new downloads. 

Richemont saves luxury stocks from a fashion crisis. Luxury stocks shot up after Richemont, the owner of Cartier, crushed expectations with record quarterly sales of €6.2 billion—way above the sad 1% analysts predicted. China’s still struggling, but Richemont found shoppers in Japan, the Americas, and Europe who clearly aren’t worried about their wallets. Its jewelry division grew 14%, carrying the whole show. Shares jumped 16%, hitting a record high.

China’s $1 trillion trade win annoys the world. China raked in a record $1 trillion trade surplus last year, flooding the globe with exports while barely importing a thing. Factories boomed, wallets stayed closed, and now everyone’s mad. Countries are slapping tariffs to slow the flood, and China’s hitting back with its own.

Spain’s 100% tax targets foreign property investors. Spain plans to slap a 100% tax on property bought by non-EU residents, including Brits. Prime Minister Pedro Sánchez says the drastic move is needed to tackle the country’s housing crisis and stop the rich from hoarding homes to profit off them. Sánchez pointed out that in 2023 alone, non-EU buyers snapped up 27,000 Spanish properties—not to live in, but to cash in. The message is clear: If you’re not from the EU, Spain’s real estate market is no longer your playground.

ChatGPT Now Does Reminders

ChatGPT just got a “tasks” feature for paying users. It’ll remind you about your passport or send you weekend plans based on weather. Basically, Siri vibes but with fewer attitude problems. CEO Sam Altman says AI agents like this are “joining the workforce” in 2025. Sure, because what we need is a bot to manage our lives better than we can. For now, it’s just reminders and daily updates, but hey, at least it’s doing something new. Siri and Alexa might want to take notes.

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RIP Gaia: the galaxy mapper runs out of gas. Gaia, the space telescope that mapped over a billion stars, is shutting down on January 15 after 10.5 years. It ran out of fuel, but not before changing how we see the galaxy. It uncovered star motions, ancient collisions, hidden black holes, and even showed a nearby galaxy might actually be two. Originally a five-year mission, Gaia went above and beyond. Its eye may be closing, but the data it left behind will keep rewriting astronomy for years.

Bezos finally gets a win in space. After years of trying (and lots of Amazon dollars), Jeff Bezos’ New Glenn rocket finally made it to orbit on its first test flight. The 320-foot beast launched from Florida, sending up a prototype satellite while beachgoers clapped like it was the Fourth of July.

SpaceX sends two landers to the moon. SpaceX launched two private lunar landers—Firefly’s Blue Ghost and Japan’s Resilience—early this morning from Florida’s Kennedy Space Center.Firefly's Blue Ghost mission, dramatically named Ghost Riders in the Sky, is its first moon trip and part of NASA’s Commercial Lunar Payload Services program. It’s carrying 10 NASA payloads, breaking the lunar cargo record, to study moon dust and prep for the Artemis Program. Once it lands, Blue Ghost gets two weeks to do its thing—solar power doesn’t last forever. Resilience is taking the scenic route, arriving in about 4.5 months to Mare Frigoris (fancy name for “Sea of Cold”). Onboard is a microrover named Tenacious, ready to scoop some moon dirt for NASA. 

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You Can Now Airbnb Escobar’s Jet

For $100 a night, you and three friends can crash in Pablo Escobar’s private jet—minus the wings, engines, and, well, flight. The 727, complete with original leather seats and a gold toilet, now sits grounded in Bristol, England, thanks to an entrepreneur who turned it into an Airbnb.

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TikTok fans learn Chinese to jump ship. With TikTok’s U.S. ban looming, Duolingo’s Chinese lessons are blowing up—up 216%. Instead of fighting the ban, millions are diving into RedNote, China’s TikTok alternative, where Americans are now helping with English homework.

Bye-Bye, Red No. 3. The FDA just banned Red No. 3, the fake cherry red dye that made your candy glow—and maybe gave you cancer. Took them long enough.

Southwest gets sued for running late too often. The Transportation Department is taking Southwest Airlines to court, accusing them of constantly running late. From April to August 2022, 180 flights on key routes like Chicago to Oakland and Baltimore to Cleveland were late so often they earned the title “chronically delayed.”

Starbucks says goodbye to free-loading. Starbucks is ditching its "open-door" policy that let anyone hang out or use the bathroom without buying something. The new rules aim to stop freeloaders and improve the vibe for actual paying customers.

“Severance” hijacks Grand Central. “Severance” turned Grand Central into a live-action office nightmare to promote Season 2. The cast showed up in character, awkwardly pretending to work while commuters tried to mind their own business. Meanwhile, Ben Stiller wandered around like a proud dad at a science fair.

“Sex and the City” stoop gets gated. The iconic “Sex and the City” stoop at 66 Perry Street is now off-limits. The homeowner got approval to install a gate, shutting down fan photo-ops and stoop sit-ins. After years of dealing with wannabe Carries treating her home like a free set, Barbara Lorber had enough. She cried to the Landmarks Commission, and they handed her a win.

The geometry whisperer. Ghasem Baneshi captures the intricate beauty of muqarnas, the geometric marvels of Iranian architecture, in historic mosques and palaces. 

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TikTok of the day: watch here

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