Good morning.

It’s Tuesday, August 12 — the weekday equivalent of lukewarm coffee. Monday’s ambition has already ghosted you, Friday’s nowhere in sight, and motivation is on an extended sabbatical.

On this day in 1877, Thomas Edison finished the model for the first phonograph — basically the great-great-grandparent of your Spotify playlist. He was just tinkering with a telegraph when he realized it kind of mumbled like a drunk uncle, so naturally he stuck a needle in it (as one does), wrapped it in tinfoil, and accidentally invented recorded sound. “Mary had a little lamb” became the first recorded and replayed sentence in history. 

So here’s your Tuesday pep talk: even history-changing magic can start with a weird idea, a little tinkering, and some pure audacity. Go make noise — the world might just play it back.

Today’s stories:

• Trump wants 401(k)s to hold crypto, SpaceX

• Instagram adds reposts and location maps

• Dior’s NYC flagship adds high-tech spa

• Trump declares gold imports tariff-free

• Florida beats California in solar growth

• Zoox robotaxis cleared for U.S. streets

• Uber adds helicopters, yachts in Italy

• Harry Potter TV reboot targets 2037

• Paramount+ snags $7.7B UFC deal

• Government gets ChatGPT for $1

• AI brain monitor coming to ICUs

  and more…

Wall Street kicked off the week in the red, with traders nervously eyeing U.S. inflation data due in the coming days. The Dow dropped 200 points to 43,975, the S&P 500 slipped 0.25% to 6,373, and the Nasdaq fell 0.3% to 21,385—shrugging off a fresh win in the ongoing tariff standoff.

All eyes are now on Tuesday’s CPI and Thursday’s PPI reports, both seen as pivotal for the Fed’s September rate call. A hotter-than-expected reading could cool the market’s recent rally just as it flirts with record highs.

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Trump Wants Your 401(k) to Hold Crypto, SpaceX, and Maybe Tears

A new White House order says retirement plans can now dabble in “alternative investments” like crypto, private equity, or companies like OpenAI and SpaceX. Translation: your 401(k) can moon… or crater. These assets are riskier, less transparent, and charge higher fees than your boring index funds. They also haven’t been tested in a real market meltdown, which is kind of important when it’s, you know, your life savings. Supporters promise bigger returns. Critics promise you’ll pay more and sweat harder. Either way, your golden years might look more like a rollercoaster than a rocking chair.

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OpenAI gives ChatGPT to the government for $1. OpenAI is basically letting the U.S. federal government “borrow” ChatGPT Enterprise for $1 over the next year — because nothing says “we’re friends now” like handing over your flagship product for the price of a gas station coffee. Federal agencies will get the fancy version, plus a free 60-day trial of Advanced Voice Mode, which we assume means the AI will read reports in its “sexy audiobook narrator” voice. The move comes as OpenAI cozies up to D.C., with plans to open an office there next year. It already snagged a Pentagon contract worth up to $200 million, and now it’s eyeing a $500 billion valuation after raising $40 billion earlier this year. In short: the government gets AI for pocket change, OpenAI gets influence, and taxpayers get to wonder if the next IRS letter will be signed, “Yours truly, ChatGPT.”

Dior puts a spa in its flagship because retail therapy wasn’t enough. After years of renovations, Dior’s NYC flagship is back — and now it’s got a permanent spa on the top floor for those who think self-care should come with a four-figure price tag. The “Haute Couture” facial is 90 minutes of LED, microcurrent, cryotherapy, and oxygen infusion — all tailored to your skin’s hydration, elasticity, collagen, and pH. Translation: your pores are about to have a better personal trainer than you do. There’s also a “Light Suite,” with mood-boosting light therapy designed with a French sleep doctor, because nothing says New York like needing artificial happiness. And yes, they’ve got re-energizing mattresses, cryo-sleep masks, and a custom perfume from Francis Kurkdjian — because even your dreams should smell expensive.

Paramount+ drops $7.7B on UFC rights. Starting next year, Paramount+ will be the exclusive U.S. home for UFC under a $7.7 billion, seven-year deal — the first big swing from new CEO David Ellison after the Skydance–Paramount merger. The package includes all 13 numbered UFC events and 30 Fight Nights annually, with some fights simulcast on CBS for people who still have an antenna. It’s a major play to pump up Paramount+ subscriptions as the streaming wars shift hard into live sports. Netflix already locked WWE Raw and NFL Christmas games, Disney’s ESPN renewed its NFL, NHL, and MLB deals — and now Paramount’s getting into the octagon. In Ellison’s words, UFC is a “global sports powerhouse.” In plain English: it’s bloody, it’s popular, and it might actually get people to remember Paramount+ exists.

Trump says gold is tariff-free, markets breathe (sort of). After a week of panic in bullion markets, Trump jumped on social media Monday to declare: “Gold will not be Tariffed!” The reassurance came after a surprise U.S. Customs ruling last week said certain gold bars would face import duties under Trump’s country-based tariffs — a move that sent traders scrambling. The decision, sparked by a letter to a Swiss refiner, had been posted online without much fanfare, prompting market chaos and confusion. Gold prices barely budged on the news, still down over 1% on the day. No updated formal policy from federal agencies yet — so for now, the only official gold policy is a presidential tweet.

Florida Just Beat California in Solar 

Despite scrubbing “climate change” from its state policy last year, Florida quietly outpaced California in utility-scale solar growth in 2023, adding over 3 gigawatts of new capacity. Take that, Golden State. The boom isn’t rooftop hippie panels — it’s utility-scale farms, mostly built by Florida Power & Light, which cranked out over 70% of the new installs. A state rule letting developers skip long reviews for smaller projects made it easier (and cheaper) to build. Turns out, it’s not about going green — it’s about saving green. With rising industrial demand and higher natural gas prices, solar is simply the cheapest option. Even Babcock Ranch, the solar-powered town that stayed lit during Hurricane Ian, is proof it works. But the sunshine party has clouds on the horizon: Trump’s “One Big Beautiful Bill” rolls back tax credits, rooftop installs are expected to drop 42% in five years, and grid limits are already straining. Utilities are scrambling to add storage and upgrades before the growth outpaces the infrastructure. For now, Florida’s proving you don’t have to believe in climate change to make money off the sun.

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Instagram adds reposts, maps, and yet another tab you’ll ignore. Instagram just dropped a batch of “new” features, all aimed at keeping you scrolling instead of touching grass. You can now repost other people’s public reels and feed posts. The original creator gets credit, and your reshares get their own shiny new profile tab — because your profile wasn’t cluttered enough. There’s also a map feature to share your location with friends. You pick who sees it, and you can turn it off anytime — handy for when you don’t want people knowing you’ve been at the same coffee shop for three hours “working.” And a new Friends tab will show what your contacts have liked or commented on, so now Instagram can officially confirm your cousin’s questionable taste in memes.

Amazon’s Zoox gets green light for driverless, pedal-free robotaxis. Amazon’s self-driving car company, Zoox, just scored federal approval to unleash electric robotaxis with no steering wheels, pedals, or mirrors onto U.S. streets. Basically, it’s a living room on wheels that drives itself — hopefully better than your Uber driver after a Red Bull. The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration granted Zoox the first-ever exemption from rules requiring “normal car stuff,” officially ending its investigation into the company’s self-certification process. Translation: the feds are cool with it, so long as Zoox stops pretending it meets traditional vehicle standards. The plan is to launch this year in Las Vegas, then roll into San Francisco, Austin, Miami, LA, Atlanta, and the rest of your Instagram feed. With lidar, radar, thermal cameras, and microphones, Zoox can “hear” emergency vehicles — so at least it won’t mow down a firetruck.

AI babysitter for your brain is coming to hospitals. The Cleveland Clinic is teaming up with San Francisco startup Piramidal to build an AI model that watches ICU patients’ brainwaves 24/7 — like a neurologist who never sleeps, complains, or bills overtime. Instead of being trained on text, this AI eats electroencephalogram (EEG) data — the squiggly lines from electrodes on your head that show what your brain’s up to. Right now, doctors check these only every 12–24 hours, and it takes hours to review. That means important changes — like seizures or drops in brain function — could happen long before anyone spots them. Basically, it’s a brain babysitter that doesn’t blink.

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Uber Now Wants to Fly and Sail You Around the Amalfi Coast

Uber’s decided that cars are boring, so this summer they’re adding helicopters and boats to their Italian menu. Between July 26 and August 24, you can pre-book Uber Copter or Uber Boat on weekends and pretend you’re in a Bond movie. Uber Copter will whisk you from Sorrento to Capri for €250 a head (€1500 for six people), complete with dual pilots, dual engines, and door-to-door transfers along the Amalfi Coast. Because nothing says “casual day trip” like showing up by chopper. Prefer the sea? Uber Boat offers a four-hour cruise on a Gozzo 35 for up to 12 people, with a skipper, snacks, and drinks included — basically a floating aperitivo. Reservations need 48 hours’ notice and perfect weather, so plan accordingly. Or, you know, just take the ferry with the rest of us.

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HBO thinks it can wrap its Harry Potter reboot by 2037. Warner Bros. is betting big on its Harry Potter TV reboot, with seven seasons planned over ten years starting in 2027. That would wrap the series in 2037 — same length as the movies took, but with way more hours of content. Season 1 alone will cover just the first book in eight episodes, meaning each season will likely be triple or quadruple the runtime of the films. And yet, WB thinks they can crank out each mega-budget season in just 17 months. Sure. Because nothing says “realistic” like thinking a blockbuster fantasy series will move faster than most sitcoms. By the time they get to the doorstop-sized later books, episodes will probably be two hours long or the seasons will need to be split into multiple parts — because apparently, the wizarding world also runs on production delays.

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TikTok of the day: watch here

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