Good morning. It’s Tuesday, April 8 — and the weather is still doing whatever the hell it wants. Honestly, it feels personal at this point.

Today, most Buddhists in Japan celebrate the birth of the Buddha — the OG minimalist who ditched his palace, meditated under a tree, and accidentally launched a world religion sometime between the 6th and 4th century BCE. 

So sip something hot, or cold, or both (we don’t know anymore), and dive in. Your newsletter has arrived. Reliable, readable, and unlike the weather — not here to mess with you.

Today’s stories:

• Simpsons renewed—40 seasons, 861 episodes strong

• Air France luxury upgrade aims to rival private jets

• Tariffs wiped $536B from billionaire fortunes

• Standalone Zelle app shuts down transfers

• MTA debuts flatter, simpler subway map

• Minecraft film smashes global box office

• Court bans fruity vapes to protect teens

• Visa throws $100M to win Apple Card

  and more…

The S&P 500 briefly dropped into bear market territory Monday, sinking 4.7% at its worst before clawing back to close just 0.2% down. Not exactly a glow-up.

The Dow? A full-blown drama queen—falling over 1,700 points before staging the biggest intraday comeback in history, swinging 2,595 points from low to high, and finally ending down 349 points (that’s -0.9%, for those keeping score). 

The Nasdaq inched higher by 0.1%, as investors swooped in to buy up megacap tech stocks like Nvidia and Palantir. Earlier in the day, the tech-heavy index had tumbled more than 3%.

Why the chaos? False whispers of tariff relief had traders hopeful… until President Trump stormed back on Twitter, threatening 50% tariffs on China if they didn’t back off their own. In short: Wall Street played emotional ping-pong, and the trade war took center stage—again.

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Air France Goes Full Fancy

Air France just revealed a shiny new first-class suite, clearly aimed at luring rich travelers away from their private jets — or at least making them second-guess it. The airline says it’s going all-in on luxury to compete with British Airways and Lufthansa. The new “La Première” cabin is decked out with red-and-grey bed-seat combos, Michelin-star snacks, and just enough French flair to remind you you're not flying basic. No word on how much the makeover cost, but with tickets hitting €10,000 one-way, they’re clearly not hurting.

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Billionaires are having a bad week. Cue the tiny violins — the world’s 500 richest people just watched $536 billion evaporate in two days. That’s right, half a trillion dollars. Gone. Poof. Thanks to Trump’s tariff bomb, global markets had a full-on meltdown. The S&P 500 dropped 10.5%, Nasdaq fell 11.4%,and billionaires everywhere briefly considered selling one of their yachts (don’t worry, they didn’t).

Plaid’s valuation got cut. Plaid — the fintech behind the pipes that connect your bank account to apps like Venmo, Robinhood, and Coinbase — just raised $575 million. It’s now valued at $6 billion, which sounds impressive until you remember it was worth $13.4 billion in 2021. So yeah, that’s a hard downgrade. The company, which has since expanded into direct bill pay, data analytics, and fighting off AI-fueled financial fraud, says it had a record year with real profits. The new funding allows Plaid workers to finally sell some stock before it expires, because yes — they’ve been locked in private-market limbo forever. The round was led by heavy hitters like BlackRock, Fidelity, and Franklin Templeton. And no, an IPO isn’t happening yet. 

TikTok gets a 75-day stay on Apple’s App Store. TikTok’s not getting kicked out of the App Store just yet. Apple will keep it up for at least 75 more days after Attorney General Pam Bondi gave them the green light, per Bloomberg. This comes after Trump extended the TikTok ban deadline (again). ByteDance, TikTok’s China-based parent, still has to sell its U.S. ops or face a full ban under a 2024 national security law signed by Biden. Bondi told Apple they won’t get in trouble for keeping the app — for now. TikTok was briefly yanked in January, but came back mid-February after a similar letter from Bondi. Meanwhile, Trump’s also slapping China with 54% in tariffs and casually dangled the idea of lowering them if ByteDance cuts a deal.

$100 million says Visa wants that Apple Card. Visa really wants a bite of that Apple — and it’s offering $100 million to snatch the Apple Card deal from Mastercard. The original Apple Card launched in 2019 with Goldman Sachs and Mastercard, but that partnership ended in late 2023. Now it’s a credit card free-for-all. Visa’s making moves, Amex is circling, and even JPMorgan, Barclays, and Synchrony want a piece of the action. Apple hasn’t picked a winner yet, but let’s be honest — $100 million says Visa’s not here to play nice.

This Tree Turns Lightning Into a Weapon

In Panama’s dense jungle, one tropical tree isn’t dodging lightning — it’s basically inviting it. Dipteryx oleifera, also called almendro, acts like a living lightning rod, using strikes to fry nearby rivals and parasitic vines while staying perfectly fine itself. Researchers tracked strikes for years and found that almendro trees attract lightning thanks to their tall height and massive crowns. One strike took out 115 nearby trees and killed off every clingy vine choking the almendro. Turns out, getting zapped gives almendro a huge edge — more light, less competition, and 14 times more reproductive success. Most trees hit by lightning die. Almendro thrives. 

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Zelle app quits money transfers. The standalone Zelle app has officially stopped letting users send or receive money. As of this week, the only way to use Zelle is through one of 2,200+ U.S. banks and credit unions that offer it inside their own apps and websites. Zelle announced this back in October 2024, but let’s be real — only 2% of users were using the app directly. So it’s more of a quiet exit than a major collapse. 

UFC teams up with Meta. UFC just partnered with Meta to bring fights to more screens — and faces. The deal lets UFC use Meta’s tools like Instagram, WhatsApp, Meta Quest, and even those smart glasses no one asked for. Dana White says Meta will help make UFC more “interactive,” including AI-powered fighter rankings. Meta’s brand will also show up in the Octagon and on broadcasts. Threads (yes, still a thing) gets exclusive content too. Zuckerberg says he loves the sport. Please don’t let this end in another cage match challenge.

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NYC Subway Gets a Glow-Up (Sort Of)

New York City finally updated its subway map for the first time in actual decades. And no, it’s not wildly different — just flatter, straighter, and allegedly “simpler.” It’s giving “graphic design is my passion,” but with a transit budget. The MTA’s in-house design squad cooked it up and says it’s easier on the eyes — especially for digital users and anyone who’s tired of having a panic attack while trying to find the E train.

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The Simpsons refuses to end. The Simpsons has been renewed for four more seasons, taking it all the way to season 40 and episode 861. Yes, it started in 1989. Yes, it's still going. No, we don’t know how either. With that, the show has officially shattered three records it already owned: longest-running American animated series, longest-running sitcom, and longest-running scripted primetime show. Now those records are even harder to catch, not that anyone was close.

Supreme Court says no to dessert vapes. The Supreme Court just told vape companies to take their candy-flavored clouds somewhere else. In a 9–0 ruling, they backed the FDA’s decision to block fruity and dessert e-cigarette liquids — the ones with names like “Peachy Strawberry” and “Mother’s Milk and Cookies.” Vape brands had sued, saying the FDA changed the rules on them. The Court didn’t care. The FDA said these flavors are teen traps — and the justices agreed. So yeah, no more “Killer Kustard” for now. Maybe try marketing to actual adults next time.

Minecraft Movie breaks records. Hollywood needed a win, and A Minecraft Movie showed up swinging a pixelated pickaxe. The film smashed expectations with a $157 million U.S. opening — nearly doubling the $80 million prediction — and raked in another $144 million overseas. That’s a $301 million global debut. It’s now the biggest opening of 2025 and just broke the record for video game movies, knocking Super Mario Bros. off its blocky little throne.

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TikTok of the day: watch here