Good morning. It’s Wednesday, April 3rd — and look at you, emerging from your cozy winter cave. People are walking again. Sitting outside. We see you with your iced coffee and your light jacket. 

On this day in 1961, a legend was born in Brooklyn: Eddie Murphy. Before he was smashing the box office with iconic roles, he was crushing it on stage as a stand-up comic. He's now considered one of the greatest comedians of all time. And no, that’s not up for debate.

So stretch those legs, and blink into the sunlight. April is here, and your newsletter just showed up right on time.

Today’s stories:

• Gold breaks records, investors stay nervous

• Hubble reveals space on your birthday

• Chipotle founder joins billionaire ranks

• Athlete poop turns mice into gym rats

• Balenciaga’s coffee bag gets mocked

• Tinder's AI game tests your flirting

• NFL changes kickoff, replay rules

• REAL ID soon required for flights

• Car buyers rush before tariffs hit

  and more…

Stocks closed higher Wednesday—before reality hit. The Dow finished at 39,120 (+0.5%), the S&P 500 at 5,180 (+0.6%), and the Nasdaq at 16,240 (+0.8%). Then Trump’s so-called "Liberation Day" arrived, bringing sweeping tariffs and a fresh dose of trade war anxiety.

After hours, markets reversed hard. The S&P 500 slid 2.9%, the Nasdaq tumbled 3.5%, and the Dow gave back 1.4%. Multinationals took the brunt—Nike lost 7%, Apple fell 6%, and tech stocks weren’t spared, with Nvidia down 4% and Tesla off 5%.

The tariffs hit April 5, with even steeper penalties for countries that dare tax U.S. imports too much. Wall Street, predictably, is not amused.

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No More Watching Taylor Swift’s Jet

The FAA just made it easier for private jet owners to hide their info from the public. Starting now, aircraft owners can file a quick online request to keep names and addresses off the public registry. This move follows growing privacy concerns — and a whole lot of flight-tracking drama involving celebs like Elon Musk and Taylor Swift. Social media sleuths have been using FAA data to follow their every takeoff and landing. Now, if you want to fly private and stay private, the FAA’s got your back.

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Gold breaks personal record. Gold just hit a record high — again. It jumped over $3,100 an ounce on Monday, making it the best quarter for gold since 1986. Yep, it hasn’t shown off like this since perms were cool. All because investors are nervous. Tariffs, inflation, shaky markets — the usual mess. Some experts are throwing out words like “resistance” and “pullback,” but the trend’s still up. Gold is winning. And it knows it.

Billionaire burrito king. Steve Ells just rolled himself into billionaire status. The guy who opened the first Chipotle in an old ice cream shop back in 1993 is now officially worth $1 billion. That’s right — burritos made him rich enough to join Forbes’ fancy list of billionaires. Somewhere, a Taco Bell exec is crying into a Crunchwrap. Ells ran Chipotle until 2018, stuck around a bit longer, then dipped. Now, three decades later, Chipotle has 3,700 locations, made $11.3 billion last year, and is the third biggest restaurant chain on Earth. Only McDonald’s and Starbucks are ahead — and let’s be honest, their guac game is weak.

Car buyers are panic-shopping. Trump’s 25% tariff on imported cars and parts hits April 2. That means higher prices, less fun at the dealership, and more pain for your wallet. Shoppers aren’t waiting around. They're rushing to buy before the tariffs inflate prices by thousands. Experts say current inventory is safe—for now—so this is the window to act. Ford saw a 19% sales jump in March alone. No official word on whether it’s because of the tariffs, but let’s not pretend it’s a coincidence.

Tinder Now Wants You to Flirt With a Bot

Tinder just launched an AI-powered game where you flirt with fake people to get real feedback. It’s called The Game Game (yes, really), and it lets you practice cheesy pick-up lines on AI personas before you embarrass yourself with actual humans. You speak into the app, try to charm the bot, and get scored with flame emojis. If you’re rude or awkward, the AI gives you tips — because nothing says romance like a robot judging your vibe. Only available in the U.S. on iOS for now, but clearly Tinder’s betting on bots to spice things up.

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Elite poop makes mice fitter. Scientists in France gave mice a gut makeover using poop from elite athletes — and the results were wild. The mice got better at handling insulin and stored more muscle glycogen, basically turning into tiny gym rats. Turns out, top-tier athletes have gut bacteria loaded with species that pump out short-chain fatty acids (the good stuff), like Prevotella copri. It’s not about gut diversity — it’s about having the right microbes doing the right jobs. The study, published in Cell Reports, proves one thing: elite guts don’t just run marathons — they can upgrade other bodies too. 

Crypto bro sends crew around the poles. SpaceX just launched a first-of-its-kind mission — a trip around Earth’s poles, bankrolled by a cryptocurrency billionaire with time (and money) to burn. The mission, called Fram2, took off from Florida at 9:46 p.m. ET aboard a Crew Dragon capsule. It’s the first human spaceflight to orbit over both the North and South poles. The crew has ties to polar exploration, so this trip is more sentimental than scientific. They'll float around for 3 to 5 days before splashing down off California. 

Space just got personal. The Hubble Space Telescope — basically NASA’s giant eye in the sky — has been watching the universe non-stop since 1990. It captures stars, galaxies, and other cosmic weirdness 24/7. Which means it saw something cool on your birthday. Enter your birth date to see what Hubble was looking at the day you were born.

Balenciaga’s $6K Coffee Clutch Gets Roasted

Lauren Sanchez was spotted with a $5,750 Balenciaga clutch shaped like a to-go coffee cup. The internet responded: absolutely not. Fashion fans called it “stupid,” “tasteless,” and “ready for the trash.” Some joked they’d accidentally throw it away. Balenciaga’s at it again — from trash bag purses to chip bag clutches, now it’s overpriced coffee cosplay.

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Your regular ID is about to be useless. Starting May 7, 2025, your sad little driver’s license might not cut it at the airport. TSA will officially require a REAL ID — you know, the one with the star on it — to let you board a flight. No star? No travel. No exceptions. Kids under 18 are off the hook (for now), but adults had better check their wallets. 

NFL rewrites the rulebook (again). NFL owners just approved new rule changes, including a major tweak to kickoffs. Starting in 2025, touchbacks will move to the 35-yard line — a shift expected to double the return rate. Coaches can no longer coast on automatic touchbacks like they did last season. The concussion rate on kickoffs dropped 43% last year, and the league wants to keep the play alive without turning it into a demolition derby. Replay assist also got an upgrade. Officials can now reverse calls on hits to defenseless players, face masks, horse collars, tripping, and roughing the kicker.

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TikTok of the day: watch here