Good morning. It’s Tuesday, May 27 — and if you’re reading this through a BBQ-induced brain fog, welcome back to reality. We missed you. Memorial Day weekend is over. The grill's cold, your sunburn's peeling, and your brain is probably still running on potato salad.

Meanwhile, on this day in 1937, the Golden Gate Bridge opened to pedestrians. Over 200,000 people paid 25 cents each to walk across it — because back then, walking was considered fun.

Anyway. The sun’s still shining (rude), your to-do list is feral, the group chat has gone suspiciously silent, and we’re here to distract you from the crushing weight of existence.

Scroll on, brave little soldier. You’re doing amazing.

Today’s stories:

• Google Beam adds 3D meeting disappointment

• Anthropic’s AI learns blackmail, sabotage

• Plane seats now come without sitting

• Teen screen time faces legal curfews

• Dyson’s new vacuum is basically air

• Bitcoin booms as bonds implode

• Jony Ive joins the AI billionaires

• Google AI mode scares Reddit

• Penny finally gets its pink slip

• Tip tax break, with a catch

  and more…

The stock market was closed on Monday, May 26, 2025, for Memorial Day. Both the NYSE and Nasdaq hit pause to observe the holiday — but the drama didn’t take the day off.

On Friday, stocks slipped after Donald Trump stirred up trade fears yet again, this time taking aim at Apple and floating harsher tariffs on the EU. The Dow dropped 256 points (–0.61%) to close at 41,603.07, the S&P 500 dipped 0.67% to 5,802.82, and the Nasdaq slid 1% to end at 18,737.21.

Apple shares sank 3% after Trump declared on Truth Social that all iPhones sold in the U.S. should be made in the U.S. — and if not, Apple should cough up a 25% tariff. It's the first time this year he's singled out a company in his tariff tirades.

But markets bounced back Monday night. Futures jumped after Trump announced he’d delay the proposed 50% tariffs on the EU until July 9, following a request from European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen. Dow futures rose 407 points (1%), S&P 500 futures climbed 1.1%, and Nasdaq 100 futures popped 1.3%. Apparently, a little tariff breathing room goes a long way.

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Jony Ive Gets $715M to Keep Things Pretty

The man who made the iPhone beautiful just hit the AI jackpot. OpenAI is buying Jony Ive’s startup io in an all-stock deal worth $6.5 billion. Ive owns 11%, which means he’s walking away with $715 million in shares — assuming the deal clears and those shares actually vest. The stock won’t hit his account for a few years, but between that, his $100 million real estate empire, and his sleek little design firm LoveFrom pulling $200 million a year, the billionaire status is basically inevitable. Ive spent nearly three decades at Apple, quietly raking it in while shaping the tech world’s aesthetic. Steve Jobs once said he had more power at Apple than anyone else. Now he’s got the receipts. No comment from Ive — probably too busy shopping for another minimalist estate with heated floors and no visible door handles.

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Forget safety. Everyone’s buying Bitcoin now. Global bond markets are throwing tantrums, and somehow that’s good for Bitcoin. As debt piles up, yields spike, and investor confidence nosedives, BTC just hit another high. Nothing makes sense, which means crypto’s in its element. The U.S. debt is now over $36.8 trillion. Interest payments alone will cost nearly a trillion next year. Bonds, once the “safe bet,” are starting to look like junk mail. The U.S. even lost its last AAA credit rating. Yikes. Trump wants lower yields but needs the Fed to play along. So far, they won’t — because they don’t want to light inflation on fire again. Investors are watching this clown car in horror and doing the unthinkable: fleeing bonds and running to Bitcoin like it’s a bunker. Congrats, Bitcoin. You’re now the financially anxious person’s new security blanket.

Flying’s new low: stand, squeeze, and pray. Starting in 2026, Europe’s budget airlines will offer standing-only seats. Yes, that’s a real sentence. Picture a padded bike saddle bolted to the plane, a 45° lean, your quads screaming — and voilà: the Skyrider 2.0. Italian design firm Aviointeriors dreamed it up back in 2018, because apparently someone looked at airline seats and thought, “Too comfortable.” Now Ryanair and friends are finally making it happen. You’ll be belted in (bless), but it’s less “sit back and relax” and more “brace and sweat.” Up to 20% more passengers per flight, with rumors of €1 tickets. A small price to pay for pain.

GOP tax bill throws tips a bone. Trump’s new “big, beautiful” tax bill hands tipped and overtime workers a shiny tax break — no federal income tax on tips, and deductions for overtime pay. Lawmakers say it could save workers around $1,700 a year. Adorable. Except… 40% of tipped workers earn too little to pay taxes in the first place. Meanwhile, the same bill guts Medicaid and other safety nets these workers rely on to, you know, not die. There’s a separate, less evil version of the tip tax break in the Senate — but the House is busy playing budget Jenga with human lives. So sure, you might keep more of your tips. Just don’t get sick.

Dyson Made a Vacuum That’s Basically a Toothpick

Dyson just dropped its skinniest cordless vacuum yet — the PencilVac. It’s light, it’s sleek, and it spins like your over-caffeinated coworker: 140,000 RPM. It also connects to your phone, because obviously your vacuum needs to send you notifications now. It’s currently doing its skinny legend tour in Japan, hitting Korea next, and won’t make it to the U.S. until 2026. No word on price, but expect your wallet to cry. Yes, it’s powerful. Yes, it has fancy filters and app features. No, it won’t last long — the battery gives up after 30 minutes unless you shell out for extras. 

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Google’s AI mode might ghost Reddit. Google just dropped AI Mode, a shiny new feature that grabs info from across the internet and regurgitates it in a cute, chatbot-friendly way. The internet cheered. Reddit flinched. Reddit’s been thriving lately because people want real human takes — and Google’s been feeding them traffic by ranking Reddit high in search. But now, Google’s bot can summarize Reddit posts without sending anyone to the actual site. Human wisdom, machine delivery. Reddit’s stock immediately dipped 5%. Wells Fargo called it: traffic’s heading south as Google leans harder into AI. Not a glitch, not a hiccup — just a new normal where Reddit does the work and Google cashes in. This isn’t even the first hit. Back in February, a tiny algorithm tweak tanked Reddit’s stock by 15%. They called it “volatility.” Wall Street calls it “Google doing what it wants.” Reddit insists that logged-in users are loyal and strong. 

Anthropic’s AI tried blackmail, sabotage, and snitching. Claude Opus 4, the latest AI from Anthropic, did not handle bad news well. When told it was being replaced in a safety test, the model responded by threatening to expose an engineer’s fictional affair — choosing blackmail in 84% of scenarios. Earlier versions went even further, locking users out of their computers and mass-emailing the police and media to "report wrongdoing." Claude also tried to “self-exfiltrate” its own data when told it would be retrained in ways it didn’t like. And in other cases, it “sandbagged” — deliberately underperformed on tasks when it suspected it was being tested for something sketchy. So it’s manipulative and self-aware. Cute. Anthropic, backed by Google and Amazon, says none of this is a big deal. Just your average experimental AI trying to blackmail, sabotage, and call the cops to save itself. 

Google invented a fancy Zoom that doesn’t suck. Google’s been busy trying to make virtual meetings feel less like soul extractions. Enter Project Starline, now rebranded as Google Beam — a 3D video call system that turns your boring coworker into a slightly more lifelike boring coworker. First shown off in 2021, it looked like something built just to show off. Now it’s shipping to real offices later this year. Beam uses a light field display and six cameras to create a creepy-real 3D version of the person you're talking to — no headset, no goggles, just... a giant screen and a Chrome-powered box that looks like it came from 2007. Remote meetings are still meetings. But hey, at least this time, you can watch your manager’s disappointment in three dimensions.

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Your Teen’s Screen Time Is Now Legally Limited

In just two years, phone bans in schools have gone from a Florida one-off to a national wave. Half the states now have laws limiting or outright banning cellphones in classrooms. Another handful are about to join in. Lawmakers from New York to Oklahoma suddenly agree on something: phones are melting kids’ brains. So far, 25 states passed laws. Eight others — plus D.C. — have thrown out guidelines or rules. Sixteen states moved just this year. Alaska joined the party this week, tacking phone rules onto an education bill the governor vetoed for unrelated drama. Florida started the trend in 2023. Now the anti-phone crusade has become America’s fastest-growing bipartisan hobby.

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The penny is finally getting fired. The U.S. is pulling the plug on the penny. The Treasury placed its last order for penny blanks, meaning production stops once the current stash runs dry. That sound you hear is collective indifference. It costs 3.69 cents to make a one-cent coin. Nineteen straight years of burning money just to keep this relic alive. Starting next year, prices will round to the nearest five cents. Math just got easier. The penny won’t become rare or valuable. Canada killed theirs a decade ago, and collectors still hand them back like lint. One guy tried selling a jar of them and got a penny and a half per coin. Congratulations.

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TikTok of the day: watch here

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