Good morning.

It’s Thursday, July 24 — and if you’re reading this from a desk instead of a beach chair, we’re deeply sorry. July, after all, is peak vacation month in the U.S., because we can all agree that sweating through TSA in flip-flops is the American dream. 

On this day in 2023, Elon Musk did what no one — and we mean no one — asked for: he rebranded Twitter as X. Because obviously, what the platform really needed wasn’t better moderation, fewer bots, or a working edit button — it needed a confusing new name and even more chaos.

Anyway, the weekend is practically whispering your name. Just two more days of pretending to care. You’ve got this.

Today’s stories:

• China builds dam, neighbors brace for impact

• Robot helps create baby, no humans needed

• Avatar 3 trailer: adds lava, red aliens, drama

• Uber finally adds women-only ride option

• ‘South Park’ gets $1.5B streaming deal

• Retail traders launch Kohl’s into chaos

• Ozzy Osbourne exits stage — forever

• Coca-Cola swaps syrup for sugar

• Strategy now owns 3% of Bitcoin

• Ancient sea bug had spider brain

• 72-hour LA–NYC train

  and more…

Stocks climbed Wednesday after back-to-back trade wins: a new U.S.-Japan pact slapped 15% tariffs on Japanese goods — including autos — in exchange for a massive $550 billion investment in America. Later, a report from the Financial Times hinted the U.S. and EU were nearing a similar 15% tariff deal, sending the Dow up 508 points, or 1.1%, as traders priced in diplomatic progress.

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Strategy Now Owns 3% of Bitcoin

Michael Saylor’s Strategy just bought another 6,220 Bitcoin for $739.8 million, bringing its total hoard to 607,770 BTC — which is now over 3% of all Bitcoin ever created. One company. Three percent. The stash is now worth around $72 billion. They’ve used everything short of a bake sale to fund the spree: stock sales, preferred shares, convertible notes, and a Frankenstein capital plan that aims to raise $84 billion by 2027. All to chase 21 million digital tokens, 3 million of which haven’t even been mined yet. Other companies are starting to copy them. BlackRock’s Bitcoin ETF has more assets — but Strategy still wins the crown for boldest, loudest, and most committed to the bit. Literally.

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Kohl’s becomes the latest meme stock nobody saw coming. Kohl’s stock randomly exploded Tuesday, doubling at the open before collapsing back to a 39% gain — all without any real news. Just vibes and chaos, courtesy of retail traders with too much time and a Robinhood app. The stock hit a 10-month high, triggered a trading halt, and landed on every meme stock forum like it was 2021 all over again. Analysts called it what it is: a bunch of internet traders jumping on a short squeeze and praying for a moonshot. Volume went nuclear — 183 million shares traded, 25x the usual. Options trading was also on fire, with 360,000 contracts flying around and bets being placed like it’s Vegas in 1999. Kohl’s, which recently fired its CEO for mixing business with pleasure, is down 30% this year and has nearly half its float shorted. None of that mattered Tuesday. Retail traders wanted a pump — and they got one.

‘South Park’ gets $1.5B streaming deal. Trey Parker and Matt Stone just secured a $1.5 billion bag for streaming South Park on Paramount+, proving once again that fart jokes age like fine wine. Paramount finally clawed the show back from HBO Max, which had the rights since 2019, leaving Paramount+ looking like a sad cousin at the streaming family reunion. Now, they’re making it rain: $300 million a year for five years, just to get the boys from South Park back on home turf. As part of the deal, Parker and Stone will crank out 10 new episodes a year. The show remains one of the most profitable franchises in TV history, and now it’s got a streaming deal to match. That’s a lot of zeros for cartoon kids yelling at each other.

Uber Discovers Women Might Want to Feel Safe

After years of pretending everything was fine, Uber is finally rolling out a feature women have been begging for: the ability to ride with other women. The new “Women Drivers” setting lets female riders request female drivers, and vice versa — a basic safety measure that somehow didn’t make it past the whiteboard until now. The feature launches soon in LA, San Francisco, and Detroit. It follows the wildly obvious success of the same option in Saudi Arabia… back in 2019. Yes, Saudi Arabia beat Uber U.S. to the concept of women wanting to feel safe in a car. Only 20% of Uber’s drivers were women in 2023, which might explain the delay. Or maybe it just wasn’t “prioritized” until enough PR disasters stacked up. Either way, it’s happening — but only in places with enough women behind the wheel to make it work.

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China breaks ground on world’s biggest dam. China just kicked off construction on what it’s calling the “project of the century”: a 1.2 trillion yuan megadam in Tibet. This involves bulldozing a sacred river that runs through three countries and pretending it’s fine. Premier Li Qiang made the big announcement at a flashy ceremony, sending Chinese markets into a happy little sugar high. The dam, being built on the Yarlung Tsangpo (which becomes the Brahmaputra downstream), will include five massive hydropower stations and generate 300 million megawatt hours of electricity a year — assuming it doesn’t spark a diplomatic meltdown first. India and Bangladesh are, unsurprisingly, not thrilled. Neither are environmental groups or anyone with a basic understanding of geopolitics or rivers. But full steam ahead. The concrete must flow.

Spider brain found in 500-million-year-old sea bug. A fossilized sea creature from 500 million years ago just flipped the script on spider evolution. The animal, Mollisonia symmetrica, apparently had a brain wired like a spider’s — which means spiders may have started out in the ocean, not on land. Surprise! Arachnids might’ve been beach bums before they were basement squatters. The fossil, found in 1925 and ignored for nearly a century, was recently re-examined. Scientists noticed that its brain wiring matched arachnids, not horseshoe crabs as previously thought. Instead of having chelicerae connected to the back of the brain like crabs, Mollisonia had its brain flipped — a trademark spider setup. This rearranged nervous system is likely what gives modern arachnids their Olympic-level leg coordination and unsettling speed.

First baby made by robot fertility system is born. A healthy baby boy was just born thanks to a fully automated IVF system created by Conceivable Life Sciences. No embryologist. No human hands. Just AI, lasers, and a remote operator in New York injecting sperm into eggs in Mexico. Out of five eggs, four fertilized. One turned into a blastocyst. That one became a baby. It’s the first live birth from a robot-run ICSI system, and yes — the future of fertility now involves less romance and more Wi-Fi. Investors have already thrown $18 million at it.

72-hour LA–NYC train pitched for World Cup. Ameristar Rail has proposed a coast-to-coast “high-speed” train linking Los Angeles to New York in 72 hours — just in time for the 2026 FIFA World Cup. The plan, called The Transcontinental Chief, was pitched to Amtrak, Trump, and Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy. The train would run on existing Amtrak and regional rails, not shiny new tracks, and would be privately funded to avoid dipping into taxpayer pockets. Bonus feature: it hauls cars too, like a European truck train — but somehow slower.

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Avatar 3 Trailer Drops

Disney just dropped the first trailer for Avatar: Fire and Ash, the third entry in James Cameron’s never-ending blue fever dream. It’s big, emotional, and very much still on the planet Pandora — this time with volcanoes, rival red Na’vi, and jellyfish that probably cost $80 million to animate.

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Coca-Cola swaps syrup for sugar. Coca-Cola beat earnings expectations this quarter — not by selling more soda, but by charging more for less. Volumes dropped 1%, but higher prices kept profits fizzy. Now, in a move that feels both nostalgic and performative, Coke says it’ll roll out a cane-sugar version of its flagship soda in the U.S. Yes, the same formula you’ve already seen labeled “Mexican Coke” in glass bottles at overpriced taco spots. This one just comes with more press releases. 

Ozzy Osbourne, Prince of Darkness, signs off at 76. Ozzy Osbourne — heavy metal icon, bat-biter, reality TV chaos goblin — has died at 76 after a long battle with Parkinson’s. The original Black Sabbath frontman helped invent a genre, scare parents everywhere, and somehow survive decades of pure madness. He passed peacefully, surrounded by family. Just two weeks ago, he performed at Black Sabbath’s farewell concert in Birmingham, alongside a metal tribute lineup that could melt steel: Metallica, Guns N’ Roses, Slayer, Tool, and more.

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TikTok of the day: watch here

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